Alone
by GSRDreams
Summary: Sara is gone and Grissom is lost.
1. Chapter 1

**Alone  
><strong>

**Disclaimer:** I do not own anything. If I did, Grissom & Sara would never have left and we'd have some steamy GSR scenes ;)

**A/N:** This is my first fanfic. I hope you like it. Thank you to my awesome beta, you know who you are. Not sure how many chapters it'll be yet. I need some encouragement.

**Rating:** T but may change to M in later chapters.

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><p><strong>Chapter 1<strong>

She was gone.

Realization hitting Grissom like a ton of bricks. He was unable to comprehend that he had lost her again.

He'd almost lost Sara when Natalie took her, leaving her to die.

Yet they had rescued her, barely, and he would always be eternally grateful to whatever power that kept her alive. He couldn't find the words to express to his team, his family, how much he appreciated what they did to find her.

Then he lost her for a second time when she could no longer cope living in Las Vegas, she upped and left, leaving behind only a letter. A letter without any real explanation, with no clue as to where she was going or whether she would ever return.

She even came back to him when they lost Warrick. Sara had returned to his side and tried to help him through but now she was gone again.

He knew this time she was gone for good. It was all his fault, he knew that.

After losing Warrick and then Sara again Gil Grissom's world started falling apart around him. Everything he had ever known, everything he had worked for and achieved, no longer held his attention. He'd lost all enthusiasm.

Grissom had even started making mistakes at the lab, mistakes which could've proved costly if not picked up on by Hodges.

After yet another restless night's sleep, Grissom went to the lab early. It was better than being alone at home. The home he and Sara had built together.

Throwing himself into his work was always how he dealt with his feelings. He would go to the lab and hide, focus on cases, anything besides thinking of his own problems and fears.

But now, the lab and his work were no longer his safety net, a place he could retreat to. It had become a place which haunted him, somewhere which drummed up bad memories, somewhere he felt trapped and felt the need to run from.

Now every time he walked into his office he could still see the image of that damn miniature, the one of Sara trapped under a car drowning.

He could remember every word she wrote him in the letter letting him know she was leaving him and Las Vegas.

And he could hear the last words he spoke to her there, "Maybe he needed her to leave him". He could still see the look on her face when she asked him "Who are we talking about here?" and him hanging his head not knowing how to answer.

Gil Grissom was a fool. He knew he was. How could he let her walk out of his life again without telling her that he loved her, missed her and couldn't be without her?

His heart was breaking into a million pieces and he didn't know what to do.

Within a short space of time he had lost two people he loved. He had no idea how he would ever recover from this heartache.

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><p>It had been well over a month since had Sara left. In that time he had not heard a word from her. No email. No phone call. No text message. Nothing. Though he couldn't blame her after the way he'd behaved towards her.<p>

Everyday he grew more and more worried about her. She was constantly on his mind, no matter how hard he tried not to think of her.

Everyday without her he grew more and more lost.

Sitting at his desk one evening before shift, Grissom switched on his laptop to check his emails. Sifting through the administrative emails and spam he sudden saw it.

Clicking on the email he saw her name. It was from Sara.

_To: .  
><em>

_From: _

_Subject: From Sara Sidle_

_Sarasidlevid__

Grissom's heart began to pound in his chest when he saw Sara. He felt relief wash over him that she was safe and well, but he was flooded with sadness and regret. She looked beautiful.

God he missed her.

He listened intently to her video message.

_Hello from below the equator, Puerto Ayora. We've been at sea over a month now. You wouldn't believe the crew. Students, activists, scientists. The dinner conversations alone are mind blowing. There's even this er, marine biologist that reminds me of you. I wish we could talk in person but er…this is the best I could do. I want to apologise for being out of touch. I have been thinking about us a lot, though. All the moments. I thought we could survive anything. This trip has given me a lot of clarity. That last year in Vegas….I could barely breathe, let alone think, but erm now….for the first time in a really long time, I'm happy. Before I left, erm…you said something's that I tried not to hear, but now, er….I think you were right. If a relationship can't move forward…it withers. I've been waiting for you to decide. But, sometimes not making a decision is making a decision. Anyway, what I'm trying to say is, er…..you don't have to worry about me anymore. I'm good. I'm really good and honestly…I think its better this way._

His heart ached for her more than ever but he couldn't help the hurt he felt. He also felt a surge of jealously upon hearing her talk of the crew, the Marine Biologist who reminded her of him. Had she found someone else? If she had, who could blame her.

Deep down he knew she loved him.

Grissom wished he could talk to Sara face to face, explain somehow, apologise to her.

He had never loved anyone like he did Sara. He was head over heels in love with her and, even though he never wanted to admit it for many years, he has been in love with her since the day they met.

He wanted nothing more than to be there with her. To hold her. To kiss her. To make love to her. To never feel alone again.

He needed her more than he needed the air he breathed. She completed him. Without her his life was empty.

He was lost.

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><p><strong>AN:** Thanks for reading. I would love to hear what you think. Do I continue?


	2. Chapter 2

**Sorry I haven't posted this chapter sooner. Life has been chaos and super busy recently. A massive thank you to my wonderful beta. You rock! Please R&R. All reviews, good or bad, are welcome. Hope you enjoy!**

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><p><strong>Alone - Chapter 2<strong>

Gil Grissom had begun to give up on his work, and not just that, his life as well. How could she make him fall in love with her, to risk his job, his heart, only for her to take it all away?

It was always his greatest fear, loving and losing. If only he'd continued to follow his head instead of his heart. Look where it had gotten him. All he had left was loneliness and heartache.

Hank all but kept him going. Although, he loved the adorable boxer, he couldn't help think of his mother….and his own childhood. He knew his mother loved him and raised him well, but there was always an undercurrent of sadness in their household. When his father died something deep inside his mother died along with him, and not even Grissom's existence could eradicate it.

Grissom had noticed his mother's loneliness at a young age, though he could not define it then. However, he always vowed that he would never love, if loving was only going to hurt him in the same way his mother hurt. He decided that self-preservation, a life without love and away from the potential to be deeply hurt, would keep him safe.

For the first time in his career as a CSI Grissom did not answer his phone when the lab called. He was down as being on call but seeing the lab's number flash up on his phone he couldn't bring himself to answer. He had utter distaste for the place these days. The reminders there of Sara were too much to bare.

He hated his bed, _their_ bed, because it was a constant reminder of Sara and it made him feel even more alone.

There were no words to describe how much of an effect Sara's video message had on him, how deeply it cut him to the core, made his heart ache even more than before.

Again his cell rang. Why couldn't they just leave him the hell alone? Couldn't someone else deal with the call out? Eventually, he gave in and answered. He got the details from Dispatch and headed out into the night to the crime scene. The rain and thunder matched his mood.

The whole drive to the scene thoughts of Sara flashed in his mind. It made him sad, hurt and angry. Once again his last words sounded in his ears "Maybe he needed her to leave him". Those words made him angry with himself. Those silly, juvenile words drove her away. What made him say them? He didn't know. Maybe it was the hurt from her leaving last time made him say it. All he wanted was her to stay in Vegas with him, not leave again. Why the hell didn't he apologize to her, tell her he needed her, loved her and couldn't bare to be without her? He felt like a failure.

Part of him was angry at her for moving on with her life without him but he wanted her to be happy. He just wished with all his heart it was him making her happy, him she was moving on with.

Being away from Las Vegas had obviously been good for her. Had she moved on and started dating that Marine Biologist she talked about? His heart broke a little bit more at the very thought of her with another man; happy. Her words continued to echo in his mind.

Seeing the flashing lights from the police vehicles in the near distance he knew he was fast approaching the impending crime scene. With the heaving rain beating down on Sin City he knew most evidence would be lost, being washed away into night, making the job of the CSI's even harder.

Stepping out from the dry protection of his vehicle into the harsh Vegas weather he made his way over to Catherine who was studying the body of their victim whilst barking orders at those around her, knowing they had to move quickly to preserve what was left of their scene.

Annoyed at being called out and also seeing the body had been covered over he quickly fired "Covered it with a tarp. You've contaminated the evidence". Catherine, who was clearly not impressed with his accusatory comments, shot back "First responder tarped him before I even arrived. Thought he was helping. I should give you grief. You were up. Dispatch said you didn't acknowledge". Choosing to ignore her response he quickly changed the subject "What do you know?"

After quick discussion about what may have happened to the victim, Catherine returned to barking orders to get the body out of the rain. Grissom was rooted in place, the rain falling heavily around him, feeling as though his life was crashing down around him. He felt such a heavy weight on his heart, tearing the life out of it. The raining disguising the tears beginning to fall from his eyes, hiding them from his colleagues.

He really had no interested what so ever in the case. He wanted he be far, far away. The need to run and hide away was overwhelming.

These feelings of disinterest and detachment from the job he loved, the job which was his life, was agonizing and only led to more feelings of anguish. For him, work was everything; his salvation, his escape, his definition. It was who he was and, until now, satisfied him. He loved the thrill his work brought him in finding the guilty and lives they destroyed as a result of the crimes they committed, providing justice to the victims, and bringing closure to their families.

Tonight he was at a crime scene…..a man had been murdered and deserved the same consideration as any other murder victim…..and Grissom was here to try to give him that justice. Unfortunately, Grissom quickly realised that he was there but only because he was obliged to be, because it was his job and he happened to have the misfortune of being on call. He was there in body but his mind, thoughts and heart were elsewhere….on a video message on his laptop and on Sara. He felt like a hypocrite and a fraud.

The drive back to the lab left him with even more time to think and dwell on things. Even though he was angry with Sara for leaving he felt ashamed of himself for not paying her more attention, for failing to notice just how hard she finding it coping. Being on different shifts after their relationship was discovered made it increasingly difficult to give Sara the love and support she obviously so desperately needed. But still, how could he not have noticed? The woman he loved was struggling and he was oblivious to it. Or maybe he just ignored the signs in the hope or pretence everything was and would be fine.

He hated himself for failing her. Yet, the feelings of abandonment was strong and overshadowed all other feelings.

He remembered the loss, anger, hate, loneliness and resentment he felt when he returned home from his shift to find it empty. He immediately knew she had left. This time there was no letter goodbye and that it was unlikely he'd ever see her again. That was the day he died inside and his heart shattered into a million pieces, without any hope of it ever being whole again.

Grissom knew his CSI family and friends were concerned about him but he didn't think they'd understand. He and Sara had such an amazing bond and understanding which no other would ever know, feel or conceive. Besides, he was never one to discuss or share his feelings. It was partly why it took so long to enter into a relationship with Sara, and partly the reason he lost her.

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><p>Grissom and Nick processed the body of their victim, collecting any traces of evidence remaining. Usually, he'd be completely focused on the job at hand but not today. Instead, he was distracted, lost in thought and unable to concentrate on the job at hand.<p>

Him pinching the bridge of his nose caused Nick concern "What's the matter, you got a migraine?". Not wanting to discuss it with Nick he immediately attempted to brush off his concern for him and draw his attention back to the case "No. Go call Brass". Nick did as instructed and went to call Brass, to Grissom's relief. He couldn't bare anymore questions. He knew Nick meant well but it was of no comfort to him. His private life was not up for discussion.

Thankfully the appearance of Doc Robbins didn't bring questions. Al Robbins, one of his dearest friends, was loyal, discreet and never pushed. He was also the one he confided in when his hearing problem began to worsen, affecting his work as a CSI.

He had always trusted and valued Doc Robbins opinion, both professionally and personally. He had the utmost respect for him. Even with his disability the good doctor did all the things he wanted to do and never let the small matter of prosthetic legs hinder him in any aspect of his life.

Usually his random comments about anything not pertinent to the case they were working at that particular time always made Grissom smile and inwardly laugh, but at the mention of his wife getting him into texting his mood darkened a little more.

Grissom thought back to that beautiful summers afternoon, in the not so distant past, when he suggested to Sara they should marry and seeing the widest smile he'd ever seen grace her luscious lips, and her almost breathlessly whispering "Let's do it". It was possibly the happiest moment of his life.

He could have been happily married right at this moment, but she had left him. Now that happily married life with Sara, the only woman he has ever loved, had faded away; a now impossible dream out of his reach forever.

He couldn't get Sara's word's out of his mind. That video he received from her haunted him. When the video began to play his heart skipped a beat and once again he believed a reconciliation between them was indeed possible. His hopes were soon dashed upon hearing her words.

It had sounded to Grissom as though she blamed him for their parting, for them both not being on board the Sea Shepherd on an adventure together, following in the footsteps of Charles Darwin. He knew she was in some way right but didn't she see it was her who left him? He was still there whilst she was god only knows where having a great time and 'happy'. Didn't she realise it was impossible for him just up and leave the lab at that moment in time? They had just lost Warrick for Christ's sake. The nightshift was understaffed and the team needed to be together, it was the only way they would be able get through their loss. He couldn't abandon them when they needed him the most. How on earth could she be so selfish and ask him to leave right then, to walk away from their friends, their family at the drop of a hat? If only she had stayed and waited until they had brought in a replacement, how much he hated that word 'replacement', nobody could ever replace Warrick. Given time they could have taken an extended vacation, maybe even a honeymoon after they married. Seems it was not enough for her. He had risked everything to be with her and now he was left to pick up the pieces which was once his life.

Grissom's anger flared but then died just as quickly. Sara knew better. Had she stayed, he would have found other reasons why he could not get away, to take a break together. The crime lab was a vicious mistress, demanding every ounce of time, energy and thought he had. Sara knew this better than anyone and perhaps realized that she would always be second best to the lab.

Grissom had also wondered whether Sara leaving was because she blamed him for her kidnapping and near death. Hell he blamed himself, despite Sara telling him repeatedly it wasn't his fault, but no matter how many times she said it he couldn't rid himself of the blame and guilt he felt inside. That one little slip he made showing affection at a crime scene almost cost Sara her life.

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><p>The CSI's soon discovered their murder case may well be connected to S&amp;M. Immediately, Grissom's mind drifted to Heather Kessler and he quickly decided to turn to her for help.<p>

He hadn't seen her since that day she could have died and he had helped reunite her with her granddaughter. Sara had been beyond upset, hurt and pissed at him for spending the night at Heather's.

Sara had a vast distaste for Lady Heather and the lifestyle she once led. Grissom knew Sara felt threatened by his relationship with Heather, especially after she discovered he indulged in more than just friendship with the former dominatrix at one point in the past.

Standing in the rain outside Heather's place he wondered how she would react to him being there. He'd lost touch with her after Sara found out about their sexual history. The conversation between him and Sara which followed the last time he saw Heather was the possibly the worst experience of his adult life up to that point.

When he finally returned home to face Sara's wrath, he was greeted by an empty house. He remembered the panic which ensued him. He instantly thought she had left him, to the point he ran to their bedroom to see if any of her clothing were missing.

Relief washing over him upon discovering nothing gone. Making his way back into the living room, sat on the couch and waited for her to come home; the 'talk' he knew they needed to have was something he wasn't looking forward to.

He swore to her sleeping with Heather was a one time thing a few years previously but he hadn't had any sort of relationship with her other than just friendship. She believed him and, as usual, forgave him for his stupidity and for being so thoughtless, but nevertheless it bothered her how he could sleep with a suspect and dominatrix but it took him so long to allow her to be part of his life. It hurt her because he couldn't risk his job for her for many years but was quick to drop his pants, risking his career and reputation for Lady Heather.

Sara had become his life and after listening to her express her feelings on the matter he decided he wanted to make her happy so leaving Heather in the past was what he did.

But now, feeling hurt and abandoned by the woman he was so deeply in love with, the knowledge of how Sara felt about this woman spurred him on and pushed him those last few steps to knock at Heather's front door.

She looked shocked as hell to see him standing there in the rain outside her door and he couldn't help but feel she wasn't best pleased he was there. But she invited him in to her home. It was just like he had remembered it. It was nice, warm and tasteful. It bore no resemblance to the dominium she once run in her days as Lady Heather.

After making Grissom a hot tea, in an attempt to warm him after noticing how he slightly shivered whilst standing on her doorstep, Heather took in his worn appearance, asking "When was the last time you had a good night's sleep?". A forced laugh, trying to shrug off her question, but failing miserably, he simply replied "Bad dreams". Not convinced and becoming concerned for her friend she decided to take pity on him "How can I help?".

Explaining to her about their victim who had S&M type wounds on his body and telling her he'd like to hear her first impressions, she wasn't impressed he'd turn up at her door at such a late hour after over a year without any contact. But she read more into the reasons behind his visit and was curious to find out more.

Making their way upstairs to her office, her tone became softer and without the harshness it held only a few moments before. She told him about gaining her Masters in Psychology last year and that she was now a therapist. Once settled, Grissom removed the contents of the case file, showing and explaining what they knew about the case so far.

Grissom was surprised when asked if she could touch him. Secretly he enjoyed the first real human contact in over a month. He had forgotten what it felt like to be physically touched, even if it wasn't in a romantic or sexual way. It felt good and, for a second, made him feel alive once more.

Further discussion about the case went on for hours. Sending out orders to his team and they relaying information back was done through fax and phone calls. Not once did he mention where he was. It would bring too many questions and raised eyebrows.

Stood staring out of the window into the wet darkness of a Las Vegas storm, Grissom's mind once again returned to Sara, remembering the words she spoke to him in her message.

Heather approached him talking more about what she'd uncovered from the photograph's Nick had faxed over, breaking from his thoughts "There's a schism between the lovers. Ian and Justine have different priorities, different roles. She's the keeper of the heart…..sentimental, traditional, Mass card and rosary in her nightstand. A good girl. Afraid of the dark.".

Suddenly for Grissom this conversation sounded too close to home, realising Heather's description of Justine was that of Sara. And looking at Heather's face while her lips uttered the words, Grissom knew that the implications of what she was saying was not lost on her either. Heather had never met Sara, except for a short time that night at the hospital, but the last night Grissom had spent in her company, he had talked of Sara extensively.

"What about him?" Grissom asked warily and curiously.

Heather looking straight at him replied "Ian liked to compartmentalise. It made him feel safe. Everything had its place. Work, her, sports. He kept his dark side locked in a trunk, hidden away from her" she responded, sudden becoming aware she was, in many ways, describing Grissom. Where he didn't have a trunk under the bed hiding away his collection of all that was S&M, his hidden 'trunk' and deep dark secret was her.

It didn't take long for the questions to come..


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